Let's talk about snake fornication. It's not something that I would normally bring up if, yesterday when I walked out of my house, I had not been confronted with a big, wiggly, writhing ball of about 12 snakes getting it on right on my front stoop! Sure, I know now that they were just run-of-the-mill garter snakes and what they were doing was perfectly natural, even acceptable if you're an extra in the cast of an Indiana Jones movie.
What I cannot deal with is the fact that THERE WERE A DOZEN SNAKES GETTIN' THEIR COOKIES RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE!. Two things: first, there were 12 of them which means there are probably, in actuality more under my house. Second, they were having blatant sunny snake sex which means there are going to be more in the future. This is a full-blown situation - we are talking about unprotected snake sex. Did I mention that they are SNAKES?!?
So I called Animal Control and explained to them my concerns which are, to reiterate: Snake fornication in front of my house and snake fornication in front of my house. They weren't as sympathetic as I had hoped. To me, this is a full-0n SWAT situation. Break out the helicopters, man the battling rams and get a sniper on my neighbors roof! They were just a bit indifferent. So I took matters into my own hands.
Armed with a folding lawn chair, a cooler full of Diet Dr. Pepper, and a fabulous pair of gum boots that are both stylish and function, I purloined my husbands automatic UZI pellet gun (15 rounds per second) I set up shop on my sidewalk with a birdseye view of The Love Shack.
Come to find out, it's against the law to shoot BB guns inside the city limits. Also, snakes are smart. I didn't see so much as a little fork tongue. It's like they knew. They KNEW that I was going to put an end to their open-air love fest and they chose to stay undercover. Also, according to the Animal Control officer who showed up on my doorstep WITHOUT backup, killing the snakes is animal cruelty and he assured me that they would soon move on to somewhere they could get ground cover and have a water supply for winter.
But I haven't given up. I know they're under there plotting, watching snake porn, getting themselves worked up into a frenzy in preparation for a little afternoon delight right in front of my Happy Harvest Scarecrows. But they don't know who they're dealing with...