I learned a very valuable lesson today. I learned it like I learn all my other lessons: the hard way. I stepped right in it then I tracked it all over the place.
I was out amongst the civilians today, feeling pretty cheery, actually. I had a little time to myself and I intended to make use of the Christmas spirit that was slowly starting to spring up. I was going Christmas shopping.
It wasn't long before my opportunity to perform my act of service presented itself. The first store that I went into I encountered a couple doing some of their Christmas shopping. This is what I overheard:
"So do I get her the Austrian Crystal platter or the fondue set? Todd? Are you even paying attention?"
"Whichever one you think..." Todd was bored.
"I want to know what YOU think. She's YOUR mother..."
I had stopped and was obviously listening to their exchange. The lady looked at me for a moment and then asked me what I thought.
I didn't have to stop and think. I KNEW the answer for I had done the work. I had toiled and labored. I had suffered through this situation for years. I had been enlightened over the last six days. I had seen the light. I mean I wasn't ready to handle rattlesnakes, but a few more days and I might be ready to bite the head off of a chicken or something...
I smiled. This is what Jesus must have felt like. I was poised and ready. I was going to perform the service of sharing what I had learned. "Neither." I said to her and smiled.
Her eyes narrowed and she cocked her head while turning it, making her resemble that Chuckie doll from those horror movies. "What?" her voice was a hissing quip.
"Give her neither. Don't give her a gift," I smiled smugly to myself, imagining all the woodland creatures that surely must scurrying out of their little burrows and holes to run to me for I was the gentlest of gentle creatures, the wisest of the wise. I was completely full of peace and knowledge. I was definitely full of something...
Todd bristled and looked at me like a mother tiger looks at the smallest of her young... the one that she must devour for the good of the litter: pity mixed with excitement. I was going down in a bloodbath and Todd had front row seats.
"Don't give her a gift?" The lady was looking at me through little slits in her face where her eyes once stared at me with disdain. "What do you mean don't give her a gift? I HAVE to give her a gift. For God's sake, she gave birth to my husband." Her voice had begun to get a little shrill and people were starting to watch.
"But that's the point, she is never going to like you. It doesn't matter what you give her," I had satisfactorily relayed the message that it had taken me years to learn, years full of tears and confusion.
It was at this point that noticed the men's clothing department on the other side of the store. I wasn't about to let them get away until I explained myself.
"A gift isn't about what you give, it's about why you give it," I explained... I could hear the brush of dove wings against my ear. "If you give her something because you HAVE to, then it's an obligation so you might as well not get her anything." Beautiful. I had sought a lesson, God had taught me a lesson and given me the means to share it with others. I was ecstatic. So ecstatic that I mistook the beating wings for doves when in fact they were fire spitting, acid puking pterodactyls of death and they were closing in. Todd was ready for the save...
"She likes you; I promise she likes you. She likes you a lot more than she used to," but Todd was too late. I had shared too much, spoken too soon, overheard the wrong conversation. I was a little scared. This woman had that "look" about her. You know, the kind of look that, without a word, let's the Girl Scouts know that SHE is the one who gets her Thin Mints before the other people on the block. That look that says "Sure I'll watch your kids but you are going to sign a waiver and a settlement agreement beforehand." If she was Bunny Foo Foo, there would have been acres and acres of head-bopped field mice. ACRES!
"Shut-up Todd!" she spat at him, dropping the platter into the cart. "And you, I don't know what you think you are, but your night school psychology classes aren't paying off," with that she pushed her cart the other way. I was left feeling confused and a little miffed at being so brutally rebuffed.
"I know you were just trying to help," Todd rushed past me after his wife. "Have a Merry Christmas."
I don't even have to reason it out now. I totally get it. I got it the minute she walked away from me. Everyone, every single one of us is on a journey. My path crossed hers just long enough for her to hate me. And her path crossed mine just long enough to realize that Mom was right when she said that I didn't have to "tell everything I know" and then some!
The best part about all it is that God is just the perfect God for that point in our journey. He goes from being Father to being Encourager to being Disciplinarian. He's exactly where we left Him, prepared to be whatever we need Him to be to get us where we can be good with Him. But today's attempt, and let's face it, EPIC fail at service showed me something else about myself. No, I already knew that I had a big mouth... No, I already know that I have a tendency to think I can fix everything. What I realized today is that both of those things probably contributed to my shooing away of my Christmas spirit, either intentionally or unintentionally. The anger at my inability to "fix" whatever was wrong with me may possibly be what is at the root of the problem that I am currently trying to fix. The difference is that this time I am willing to let Him be the fixer... at least I am now after what I am referring to as the Nasty Platter Fondue Clash of 2012...
Make tomorrow better than today... and pray for Todd!
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Day 5 and 6 - Reflection and the Cold Hard Truth
I didn't get to blog yesterday, so for those of you who were waiting with bated breath (Hi, Mom!) I apologize. Yesterday was a good day. I helped a man load groceries into his car at Wal-Mart and we got to talking a little bit. It really is a small world as he had lived in Mexico most of his life and he had known my great Uncle Jim Boulware who was a champion skeet shooter for the majority of his life. He seemed surprised at first, almost guarded, when I offered to help him, but I wasn't offended. I wondered what I would feel like if someone approached my Mom and offered to help her load groceries into her car. I would tell her to use her key as a weapon and yell "Fire!" As your parents age, you treat them with the same caution that you treated your child. For example, for the first four years of my son's life, everyone in the world looked like a pedophile. We took Kyser to the mall to meet Santa. He was two and of course he screamed at the top of his lungs and kicked like a mule trying out for the Rockettes. In my mind, my son had a sixth sense: that Santa must have been a seething, evil child molester and Kyser just KNEW IT! It had nothing to do with, I'm certain, the fact that he was fat and red, covered in hair and kept yelling at the top of his lungs.
Nonetheless, it made me realize that sometimes we rob people of things that they need, with all of their hearts, because of our perception of them. I've had that lesson a couple of times this week so far. And I'm really grateful to the man in the parking lot of Wal-Mart who didn't use his key as a weapon and scream "Fire" yesterday. We should be just as willing to be helped, especially when we don't want it or think we need it, as we are to help. And I'm happy to say that Wednesday night, I took the plunge and downloaded a Christmas ringtone for my phone. That's a huge step considering I was ready to strangle Andy Williams with a string of blinking Christmas lights this time last week.
Today, Thursday, I awoke to the news that there was a Powerball winner in Missouri. The second wake-up call came shortly thereafter when I learned it wasn't me. In reality, it's a good thing I don't have a gazillion dollars. No particular reason for that comes to mind right now, but I'm sure one will.
I felt led to venture into the cafeteria during lunch today. I'm there once a week for cafeteria duty on Monday and every now and the spirit moves for Tuesday, which is nacho bar (epic! I highly recommend it if you have some time to drop in!). But today I went for another reason. I realized that maybe the rules that I had already broken on Day 3 were meant to be broken. The one about work suddenly didn't feel so restrictive... Long story short, I went to the cafeteria and asked if there was anything that I could do to help. The 5-day wait for the look of incredulity was sooooooo worth it. The cafeteria manager looked at me like I had just spit in the cheesy dip. I realized then that perhaps trying to find something for me to do to help might actually be more work than just doing everything themselves. Those ladies work hard. Consider this: those two or three teenagers that you have around the house that make things a bit messy... multiply that times about 300 and give them 20 minutes to decide what they want to eat, get it, eat it and rule the world from their cell phones... There aren't a whole lot of thank you's being thrown around in the cafeteria. But the ladies that work our cafeteria are really sweet and incredibly patient. And they work really hard. I know, because I got just a taste of it today. Even though she refused to put me on the front line serving up the cheesy dip which I could have done like a total pro, I did get the chance to help out. I unloaded about six billion boxes of really big cans of fruit. And by six billion I mean 8 and by really big I mean REALLY big. I went back into the cooler and unloaded the boxes. It was about 15 minutes worth of work but my fingers were freezing and sore from opening the boxes. Also I kept smashing them between the cans, just in case you think I'm being a baby. I thought about how little I had contributed considering what they do everyday. It wasn't any picnic being back in the cooler by myself, but I wondered how much more difficult it would have been if I had been standing on my feet since about 6 a.m. in the morning washing dishes. I admit it, I was glad when the bell was about ready to ring. I went back to my semi-warm classroom that much wiser and happier.
I was grateful for several reasons. First, I was grateful for the ladies in the cafeteria; the things they do everyday that matter so much to so many. They receive very little thanks for what they do and they deserve a huge amount of respect. We see 1/10 of the population of the school for 7 hours a day. They get 100 percent of the population for one hour a day. I'm not sure I would want to trade places with them.
Second, I was grateful for the jobs that I had in the past that made me so appreciative of the one that I have now. I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, despite all of my grumbling and complaining and I love what I get to do everyday. I have met some of the most amazing people who have inspired me, taught me and changed the way I perceive the world around me and myself. But I also know that it was the jobs that I disliked the most that built the most character: working at McDonald's, working at a collection agency, being a dishwasher, cleaning up after other people: everything prepared me for teaching in some small way.
Finally, I got some time to think in that cooler. It was nice to do something like that for a little bit. Not to diminish what I get to do as a teacher, but there's something about real work, the kind that involves a little bit of muscle and the sound of no one else's voice, that provides clarity. I realized that I wasn't as far gone with this whole Christmas thing as I thought I was. God is usually right where we leave Him; I had left Him somewhere between my "thank you" and my "are you kidding me?" I had done and was continuing to do what I was so good at and that is over thinking everything.
And so that's where I'm stopping today... with my Christmas ringtone and my one step closer to being where I ought to be in my heart. That's enough for right now and I'm going to (uncharacteristically) enjoy what I have at this moment...
Nonetheless, it made me realize that sometimes we rob people of things that they need, with all of their hearts, because of our perception of them. I've had that lesson a couple of times this week so far. And I'm really grateful to the man in the parking lot of Wal-Mart who didn't use his key as a weapon and scream "Fire" yesterday. We should be just as willing to be helped, especially when we don't want it or think we need it, as we are to help. And I'm happy to say that Wednesday night, I took the plunge and downloaded a Christmas ringtone for my phone. That's a huge step considering I was ready to strangle Andy Williams with a string of blinking Christmas lights this time last week.
Today, Thursday, I awoke to the news that there was a Powerball winner in Missouri. The second wake-up call came shortly thereafter when I learned it wasn't me. In reality, it's a good thing I don't have a gazillion dollars. No particular reason for that comes to mind right now, but I'm sure one will.
I felt led to venture into the cafeteria during lunch today. I'm there once a week for cafeteria duty on Monday and every now and the spirit moves for Tuesday, which is nacho bar (epic! I highly recommend it if you have some time to drop in!). But today I went for another reason. I realized that maybe the rules that I had already broken on Day 3 were meant to be broken. The one about work suddenly didn't feel so restrictive... Long story short, I went to the cafeteria and asked if there was anything that I could do to help. The 5-day wait for the look of incredulity was sooooooo worth it. The cafeteria manager looked at me like I had just spit in the cheesy dip. I realized then that perhaps trying to find something for me to do to help might actually be more work than just doing everything themselves. Those ladies work hard. Consider this: those two or three teenagers that you have around the house that make things a bit messy... multiply that times about 300 and give them 20 minutes to decide what they want to eat, get it, eat it and rule the world from their cell phones... There aren't a whole lot of thank you's being thrown around in the cafeteria. But the ladies that work our cafeteria are really sweet and incredibly patient. And they work really hard. I know, because I got just a taste of it today. Even though she refused to put me on the front line serving up the cheesy dip which I could have done like a total pro, I did get the chance to help out. I unloaded about six billion boxes of really big cans of fruit. And by six billion I mean 8 and by really big I mean REALLY big. I went back into the cooler and unloaded the boxes. It was about 15 minutes worth of work but my fingers were freezing and sore from opening the boxes. Also I kept smashing them between the cans, just in case you think I'm being a baby. I thought about how little I had contributed considering what they do everyday. It wasn't any picnic being back in the cooler by myself, but I wondered how much more difficult it would have been if I had been standing on my feet since about 6 a.m. in the morning washing dishes. I admit it, I was glad when the bell was about ready to ring. I went back to my semi-warm classroom that much wiser and happier.
I was grateful for several reasons. First, I was grateful for the ladies in the cafeteria; the things they do everyday that matter so much to so many. They receive very little thanks for what they do and they deserve a huge amount of respect. We see 1/10 of the population of the school for 7 hours a day. They get 100 percent of the population for one hour a day. I'm not sure I would want to trade places with them.
Second, I was grateful for the jobs that I had in the past that made me so appreciative of the one that I have now. I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, despite all of my grumbling and complaining and I love what I get to do everyday. I have met some of the most amazing people who have inspired me, taught me and changed the way I perceive the world around me and myself. But I also know that it was the jobs that I disliked the most that built the most character: working at McDonald's, working at a collection agency, being a dishwasher, cleaning up after other people: everything prepared me for teaching in some small way.
Finally, I got some time to think in that cooler. It was nice to do something like that for a little bit. Not to diminish what I get to do as a teacher, but there's something about real work, the kind that involves a little bit of muscle and the sound of no one else's voice, that provides clarity. I realized that I wasn't as far gone with this whole Christmas thing as I thought I was. God is usually right where we leave Him; I had left Him somewhere between my "thank you" and my "are you kidding me?" I had done and was continuing to do what I was so good at and that is over thinking everything.
And so that's where I'm stopping today... with my Christmas ringtone and my one step closer to being where I ought to be in my heart. That's enough for right now and I'm going to (uncharacteristically) enjoy what I have at this moment...
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